Still Crying Over Spilled Milk?

I am afraid of being a disappointment. Disappointing my mom. Disappointing my family. Disappointing teachers and mentors and peers. I’m even afraid of disappointing you, my reader. I think this is an old fear.

I am maybe five years old. My confidence stronger than my skinny arms, I decide to pour my own milk out of the still nearly full carton. Tipping a gallon is too much for my little muscles and the next thing I know, milk is spilling out across the table. A puddle of white fills the table while a patchwork of shame spreads across my face. I feel the disappointment coming even before my dad has a chance to scold.

Almost from birth we are all told 'do this' and 'don't do that? Expectations are set and reset so often that disappointment is inevitable. It’s impossible to fulfill every expectation of every person we encounter. We disappoint each other and that’s okay. Generally, we all survive and even learn from disappointment. So if that’s not the problem, what is?

Did you notice in my first paragraph that I didn’t say I’m afraid of disappointing? I said I’m afraid of being a disappointment. This is much more than a case of bad syntax. This is a case of a little girl thinking that she is more of a problem than the spilled milk. Mistakes happen but the biggest mistake is personification—making a mistake or disappointment part of our identity.

I let someone down last week and though I couldn’t change the situation, I felt horrible for days. I know they will recover from the disappointment eventually—probably faster than I will. My choice was disappointing for them, but it doesn’t mean I am a disappointment.

If I walk around with a sign on my forehead that reads, “I am a disappointment” and give myself fifty stripes every time I see my reflection, does that make anything better? Does prolonging my suffering help anyone? What if I was kind to myself instead? What if I accepted that I did my best and allowed myself to learn to do even better?

Making mistakes, spilling the milk, disappointing one another doesn’t mean we aren’t doing our best. It means we are trying. It means we are works in progress. It means we are learning.