Hi, my name is Melissa, and I am a perfectionist. It seems I was born with this chronic and at times disabling condition.
A few months ago, I listened to the book A Thousand Ways to Pay Attention by Rebecca Schiller. By the time I got it from the library I’d forgotten what it was about, so I listened, expecting an educational rant about ADHD. After a few chapters with no mention of ADHD, I realized it was not what I was expecting. In fact, it is a delightful memoir of a woman on her rocky path to self-discovery, which, eventually, leads to an ADHD diagnosis.
Prior to being diagnosed with ADHD she is given the diagnosis of “clinical perfectionism.” This is not something in the DSM, the diagnostic manual we use in the USA. I wasn’t trained to diagnose it, but I seem to meet a lot of perfectionists in my office.
Some people develop perfectionism to cope with anxiety. I recommend this article if you want to read about the tendency of people with ADHD to develop perfectionism: https://www.additudemag.com/perfectionism-adhd-not-good-enough-anxiety/
For Rebecca Schiller, getting a diagnosis of ADHD was like finding a missing puzzle piece. For me the most important moment in the book was her simple realization that “maybe it is as hard as it is.”
Maybe it IS as hard as it is. What if your diagnosis takes years to discover? What if the medications didn’t give you any relief? What if it takes years of therapy to make any progress? Do you automatically blame yourself? You know better than anyone how hard it is. You can use that knowledge to be your best abuser or your best cheerleader.
Perfectionists are skilled in being hard on themselves and others. Somehow it makes sense to us that struggling means we are doing something wrong and which in turn means we get to be harder on ourselves. The noble truths of Buddhism teach us that while pain is inevitable in this life, but we don’t have to prolong out own suffering.
The challenge:
Notice. Pay attention to your perfectionist habits. Get curious about why you developed these habits. Notice when you are prolonging your suffering.
Offer yourself patience and grace. Open yourself up to the possibility that you ARE doing the best you can and it IS just as hard as it is.
Let go. You don’t have to keep your automatic thoughts. Question the need for perfection. Question the need to make yourself suffer.
As you challenge yourself, remember the goal is to practice and learn. The road to recovery for a perfectionist isn’t easy and isn’t meant to be perfect. Let me know how your journey is going.
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